Now what?
by klarinetgrrl
Summary: What the characters are thinking after the season finale.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **Yeah, don't own Grey's anatomy or the song. If I did, Meredith would not have said things were "Over. So over."

So, I know It's been awhile since I've updated or written anything. It's mostly because I just don't know what to think of the season finale. Kinda makes me mad thinking about how things were left off. I'm going to use the stream of consciousness technique that I used in Before He cheats to sift through what the characters might be thinking now.

Sorta Fairytale – Tori Amos

_on my way up north_

_up on the ventura_

_i pulled back the hood_

_and i was talking to you_

_and i knew then it would be_

_a life long thing_

_but i didn't know that we_

_we could break a silver lining_

Night in shining whatever. Uh huh. Girls like me? We don't have knights in shining whatever. We have dead mommies, dead fake mommies and dad's who get drunk and slap their daughters. At least the daughter that he blames for fake mommy's death. But we don't get the night in shining whatevers.

_and i'm so sad_

_like a good book_

_i can't put this day back_

_a sorta fairytale_

_with you_

_a sorta fairytale_

_with you_

Fairytales do not happen to girls like me. I thought maybe. I hoped maybe.

But no. Because Christina almost had the happily ever after. The whole knight in shining whatever and look how well that turned out.

_things you said that day_

_up on the 101_

_the girl had come undone_

_i tried to downplay it_

_with a bet about us_

_you said that-_

_you'd take it_

_as long as i could_

_i could not erase it_

If Burktina can't make it, what chance do Derek and I have? I mean, seriously. Our relationship was originally based on a lie. He cheated on his wife with me. He chose his wife over me. Then cheated on his wife with me again. With my knowledge. What kind of fairytale has this kind of drama? None I've ever heard, that's for sure.

_and i'm so sad_

_like a good book_

_i can't put this day back_

_a sorta fairytale_

_with you_

_a sorta fairytale_

_with you_

And Derek. Worrying about _breathing_ for me. I don't need him to _breathe_ for me. I never asked him to _breathe_ for me. I can _breathe_ just fine on my own, thank you very much. He shouldn't be _breathing_ for me anyway, we should be _breathing_ together.

_and i ride along side_

_and i rode along side_

_you then_

_and i rode along side_

_till you lost me there_

_in the open road_

_and i rode along side_

_till the honey spread_

_itself so thin_

_for me to break your bread_

_for me to take your word_

_i had to steal it_

Maybe we can't have it all. The perfect career. The perfect home. Look at Bailey. She's got the husband and baby. But Callie is chief resident. And Callie and George… I think I heard something about a baby there? But things have been so tense between them. And Callie keeps cornering Izzie. Wanting her husband back. When did he leave? Then there's the Chief and Adele. They have been separated for how many months now? Who knows. Before that, he was having an affair with my mother. Who had the perfect career but no steady man since her and Thatcher split up. None of the Attendings are married now. Maybe we're just chasing after a fantasy. Something that will never happen.

_and i'm so sad_

_like a good book_

_i can't put this day back_

_a sorta fairytale_

_with you_

_a sorta fairytale_

_with you_

_i could pick back up_

_whenever i feel_

But Derek wants ME to be in this or put him out of his misery. When he puts it like that… I don't want to torture him. But… I don't know how to be apart of a couple. Or not run to my friends and tequila when things go wrong. They were there for me when Derek wasn't.

_down new mexico way_

_something about_

_the open road_

_i knew that he was_

_looking for some indian blood and_

_find a little in you find a little_

_in me we may be_

_on this road but_

_we're just_

_impostors_

_in this country you know_

_so we go along and we said_

_we'd fake it_

_feel better with_

_oliver stone_

_till i_

_almost smacked him -_

_seemed right that night and_

_i don't know what_

_takes hold_

_out there in the_

_desert cold_

_these guys think they must_

_try and just get over on us_

And no matter how much he wants me to, I can't keep this niggling little piece of doubt that if Derek were to find someone better… Someone not so dark and twisty… He would leave me in a heartbeat. I mean, the whole choosing Addison thing before… With barely giving me a second thought… I guess I never dealt with it. We never dealt with it. He cheated, he wanted space, and then we were together. I suck at the communicating thing.


	2. On Your Shore

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Grey's Anatomy, the song, or Charlotte Martin. If I did, well, I wouldn't still be in school.

On Your Shore – Charlotte Martin

_I dig my heels into the dirt_

_'Cause this one's gonna hurt_

_Won't let the waves wash me away_

_Is what I always pray_

_In my heart I know you couldn't see_

_In the dark or find your way through me_

_Now I'm alone, my hands are numb_

_How do I carry on?_

I guess I should have known when I told Meredith to put me out of misery that she would. I guess I thought she wouldn't take it so literally or do it so soon, though. I thought maybe we'd do some talking first. Talking. Talking is good. But Meredith. Meredith and Me… We were never good at the communication thing. She avoids. That's what she does. And I hover. But we don't talk. About important stuff, anyway.

_At the turn of the tide I feel this part of me die_

_Am I washed on your shore and barely alive?_

At one time, I was drowning. And Meredith saved me. She didn't even realize she saved me. Before Addison came back. Before Mark moved to Seattle. Before…Everything. When things were easier. When we were in the 'getting to know you' phase in the relationship. Before I screwed everything up by not telling Meredith about Addison.

_Now I'm held hostage in my head with every word you said_

_God all those lessons in my past I spit them out so fast I_

_See myself_

_With you I act so small see myself with you I always crawl_

_So someone leave a raft for me the water's getting deep_

I realize it was a mistake not telling Meredith. I do. But how do you tell your girlfriend that you're married? And have been married for so many years? Even then, the communicating thing between us wasn't good. The sex, though. That was good. Amazingly good. Amazingly mind blowingly good. If there is one thing Meredith and I can do, it's sex.

_At the turn of the tide I feel this part of me die_

_Am I washed on your shore and barely alive?_

Maybe if we had been better at communicating I would have known the depth at which Meredith's mother affects her. Even though Mer says she's used to it, she's clearly not. If she was used to that kind of abuse, she just wouldn't be human. This time she was drowning and I didn't even realize that she was barely keeping herself above water. Until it was too late.

_Here I am in my insecurity_

_Here I am with my damaged dignity_

_Here I am you're pulling me in too deep_

_Here I am_

_Here I am, I'm in the mercy seat_

_Here I am, running without my feet_

_Here I am, oh what's come over me_

_Here I am_

But is it fair to put the whole blame on me? I'm a neurosurgeon. Not a psychologist. Or psychiatrist. I might have seen the signs… Okay. I did see the signs. I just didn't want to see the signs. What clearer sign could there be than when I had to pull Meredith out of the bathtub? Who wants to see the signs that the girl they love might try to kill herself?

_When I was melting in your hand you didn't understand_

_You slip through me like grains of sand you still don't understand_

_Overboard I'm thrown out to see what you are and what I mean to me_

_But I will always have my dream where you can swim to me_

I love Meredith. I do. I've loved her since… Forever. Does that make sense? I mean, that night in the bar, all I wanted was a drink. Something alcoholic and potent. Something to numb the pain and make me forget. Forget Addison, forget Mark, forget everything in New York. I was not anticipating on the tiny blonde in the tight black dress. I was also not anticipating on meeting someone that I could easily spend the rest of my life with on my first day in town, after I had just found my wife in bed with my best friend.

_At the turn of the tide I feel this part of me die_

_I've been on your shore before and it was no waste of time_

_Over my head and in my mind_

_Am I washed on your shore and barely alive_

_Am I washed on your shore and barely alive_

Would I have changed things and not gone to the bar, knowing what I know now? Of course not. Would I have changed other things? Yes. I would have told Meredith about Addison from the get go. And I would have chosen Mer when she asked me to. I just never thought we would end up here.


End file.
